Motel Squirrel

My husband, Sam, is generally a mellow, easy-going, mild-tempered fellow. However, there are 3 things in this world that really ruffle his feathers. In no particular order these include 1. Mint (see earlier posting) 2. Inconsiderate (or as Sam puts it "inept") drivers and 3. Rodents. By rodents I mean rats, mice, hamsters, prairie dogs, squirrels, etc. He carries some rodent baggage from experiences growing up as well as some from a couple of dark times on his mission in Brazil. Let's just say that as moon is to werewolf, rodents are to Sam.

A couple of years ago we had a squirrel move into the attic of our home. It nestled in right above our kitchen where we could hear it at all hours of the day and night. I believe he was building his own mini Taj Mahal with all the thumping, scratching, and sawing going on up there.

As you can imagine, Sam was in complete distress and totally disgusted by this twisted turn of events. He did what anyone would to in our situation....consulted the internet for various ways to dispose of squirrels. We learned that, besides being obviously annoying, they really can do damage to a home, including, but not limited to, doing numbers on the electrical wiring. He also read that they can carry all sorts of nasty diseases, which of course only added fuel the fire. He further read that by merely depositing the squirrel somewhere else didn't necessarily fix the problem as they are known to be able to find their way "home." The squirrel had to go, and by go I mean in a more permanent fashion.

Sam researched all sorts of ways to get rid of them. Everything from carbon monoxide poisoning to drowning. After reading all this enlightening material, Sam went David and decided to try to pick the squirrel off by climbing into the attic and nailing the sucker with a sling shot and handpicked stones.

It proved a little difficult as there is no lighting in our attic, so all he had to go on was the reflection of light off its beady little eyes. I'm not sure which was more entertaining....Sam thinking that this would actually work or the fact that we had to bring our industrial size garbage can into the house for him to stand on to even be able to gain access the attic. (We do not own a ladder.) When Sam finally gave up, upon coming down the lid to the dirty, nay filthy, garbage can gave way and Sam found himself standing inside of it. To add insult to injury, because it's so tall he couldn't climb out, and we had to tip the thing over for him to be able to escape its clutches.

And of course there's always giving it the old college try. You know the one you tried on your noisy apartment neighbors above you. On a number of occasions when Squirrel was being particularly noisy the broom came out and the handle was used to bang on the ceiling. Just like it didn't work on your noisy neighbors, it didn't work on Squirrel either. The only result was popcorn ceiling pieces raining down on us.

Then it was time to get down and dirty. We purchased a small rodent trap from Home Depot, loaded it with peanut butter and crackers, and waited. It didn't take too long before we caught the sucker. Then came the mother of all Fear Factors as Sam had to precariously climb up our house (remember, no ladder) and retrieve the caged rodent. For all he knew he was inches away from the Bubonic Plague.

I chose not to observe this process (remember, no ladder) but once they were both safely back on the ground I ventured outside. I found Sam staring off into space, and then without looking at me he muttered through gritted teeth, "bring me the hose." It was then that I noticed an even older garbage can standing directly in front of him.

At this point I became an accomplice to what happened next. I don't think I need to describe in any detail what followed. I did as I was told and brought Sam the hose. Then I ran inside to try to make up some lame excuse for the boys as to where Squirrel went.

Oh, and did I mention that we were moments away from going on a real date? We were headed downtown to see Les Miserables, something we had been waiting a long time to see together. This did put a damper on our evening.

After the deed was done, the boys and sitter situated, we headed out. We hardly said a word to one another on the drive there. We just couldn't shake what had just taken place. Sam was replaying the hideous events over and over in his mind, and I was wondering just who was this man sitting next to me. After all, we're talking about someone who gently carries spiders out of our house rather than killing them. I guess certain things can make a person snap.

We choked down a quick bite to eat, though neither of us had much of an appetite. The play was good, though it could have and should have been wonderful. We went to bed that night with the only comfort being the quietness of the house with Squirrel gone.

The next morning Sam left early for work and I'll give you one guess as to what I woke up to. The sound of squirrels in our attic. Now either the ghost of Squirrel was back to haunt us, or we had a much bigger problem on our hands. I couldn't bear the thoughts of breaking the news to Sam after what he had gone through the day before. But break it I did, and at this point Sam just about crumpled to the floor.

To make a long story short (too late) we caught two more squirrels, but this time Sam took his chances and took the catch and release (on the other side of town) approach. I don't believe they ever found their way back to their Taj Mahal. Sam borrowed a ladder (finally) and patched up the hole that they were using to get in our attic. After much blood, sweat, and tears, the problem was solved.

Now fast forward to winter of 2008, and we've got the same problem. Squirrels. They're coming in through one of our vents on our roof right above our bedroom this time. It really is disturbing listening to them "nestling" in for the winter. Sam set the ol' trap out again and caught the first one, only to have it pull a Houdini and escape. Now we've got a squirrel out seeking vengeance. If we wake up paralyzed because our ceiling fan directly above our bed mysteriously crashed down on us during the night, you all know who to blame!